


Break Down

by GreenCat42



Series: Voltron One Shots [5]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Issues, Black Paladin Keith, Blue Paladin Allura, Langst, One Shot, and does all he can to find shiro, especially since he's in keith's shadow as the red paladin, he trains instead of sleeping, lance breaking down, red paladin lance, still he doesn't feel he's good enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 07:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10355238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenCat42/pseuds/GreenCat42
Summary: Shiro is gone and someone has to fill his position until they find him. Keith is chosen as the new black paladin, which means Lance is shuffled to the red lion. He knows he's not good enough to fill Keith's shadow. So, he trains, knowing that's the only way the rest of the team will see his worth.





	

Oh look another one shot based on a [tumblr post](https://lancemcclains.tumblr.com/post/158532313522/wherethestarsdontshine-headcanon-where-lance). It rang so beautifully with me that I decided to write a one shot. I know it's a bit jumbled, but I wrote it in like an hour.

* * *

 

            The first night without Shiro was hard on everyone, Lance included. They were all sitting in the common room, silent. Lance had tried cracking a few jokes to lighten the mood. “Stop it Lance,” Keith growled. “This isn’t the time.”

            Hunk saw how Lance curled into himself, his mouth snapping shut. “He was just trying to help,” Hunk said.

            He was going to defend his best friend as best as he could. “Joking isn’t going to bring back Shiro is it?” Keith said, his voice cutting and angry. “His stupid jokes are all he has.”

            “Don’t talk about my friend like that!” Hunk said.

            It took a lot to get the big guy riled up, but he’d heard the whispers at the Garrison. He’d seen how his best friend had responded to them and it was Hunk who shielded him. “It’s ok Hunk,” Lance said.    

            “No, it’s not!”

            Lance quirked a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “We all miss Shiro, I know.”

            “Then act like it,” Keith said.

            The next few days were even harder. Allura and Coran worried over their team, someone had to fill Shiro’s position while they searched for him. Keith spoke up that Shiro wanted him to lead Voltron. Lance almost offered, but stepped back, knowing they’d never let him lead. “We’ll need a new red paladin then,” Allura said.

            Fear filled his chest, first Shiro was taken, now Blue? He knew that the other two wouldn’t be shuffled, they would stay with their lions. “Lance, you’ll be the new red paladin,” Allura said.

            Lance opened his mouth, ready to refuse. He wasn’t fiery, he couldn’t be the red paladin, but the words stuck in his throat. He was already a joke, why bother making himself look like even more of an idiot. Hunk stiffened. “Allura, are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked.

            “The blue lion is the most welcoming of a new paladin. It would be easier for me to bond with the blue lion, instead of the red one.”

            _‘Blue didn’t chose you, you were just the easiest choice. You know you aren’t good enough for the red lion.’_

            An ache opened up in Lance’s chest. “I expect you to fill the role of the red paladin as well as Keith did,” Allura said.

            She smiled and patted him on the shoulder. Hunk took him aside after Allura left. “You’ll do great as the red paladin, c’mon I’ll make you something to eat,” he offered.

            “Thanks,” Lance said, but he wasn’t really feeling it.

            He let Hunk steer him out of the bridge and towards the commissary. The voices grew louder and louder in his mind. How was he going to pilot the red lion? The only way Lance knew how was to work harder, work harder than anyone. He had to do that to get into the Garrison, and he could do it again. He nodded and tried to listen while Hunk cooked, going through the motions of listening.

            When the rest of the paladins slept, Lance trained. Occasionally Keith snuck in before him and those nights Lance found an empty room in the castle-there were many-and practiced with the two sided blade his bayard had materialized into when he was handed it. He sliced at broken machinery, working on close combat, when he knew his skills lay as a sharpshooter. Still, no one commented on the fact his skills were increasing. Post battle, everyone shuffled away, no jokes, no pats on the backs. Without Shiro, their team was broken. Keith wore the black paladin armor, his shoulders hunched. His sharp words were a contrast to the warmth of Shiro’s voice-he wasn’t a leader. It showed, but still Lance kept trying. He kept hoping that Keith would smile and pat him on the back. “Good job,” he would say.

            But he never did. Allura piloted Blue now, she wore his armor. Lance didn’t comment, he didn’t make a joke or flirt when Allura was given his bayard. Hunk had glanced at him, Pidge peering at him through fake glasses.

            Instead, Lance had left, walked away, silent. _‘I have to work harder,’_ he thought.

            His footsteps were loud, his thoughts louder. Once again, he was standing in the shadow of Keith. The perfect cadet, the perfect paladin. _‘Seventh wheel, I’m not even a sharpshooter anymore,’_ Lance thought.

            When he arrived at his quarters, he threw the red bayard on his bed, refusing to touch it. The red reminded him that he was no longer the guardian of water. Slumping down, Lance tried to ignore the words in his head, flooding.

            A tap at his door made him lift his head. “Lance?”

            Keith? What was he doing there? Sighing, Lance got to his feet and pressed the button so the door could swish open. “Yeah?”

            “You left before I announced we’re having a meeting on the bridge.”

            Keith was still in the black paladin armor, the helmet cradled under his arm. “Yeah…”

            Lance followed Keith through the corridors, the only sounds were their shoes hitting the floors.

            The rest of the group was waiting, including Allura and Coran. Lance positioned himself so he was out of the way, standing instead of sitting. Folding his arms behind him, he clutched his hands together. It was an old Garrison habit, one that was taught to all the cadets. Keith started talking, but Lance couldn’t focus. He tried so hard. “Lance, are you listening?”

            “Yes.”

            Keith’s sharp words were filled with disappointment. He prattled off the list of commands for everyone. This mission was key to dismantling a part of the Galra empire. Pidge hoped to find more information about the Galra. Lance stood by as he was ordered to cover the other two. He simply nodded, taking the orders in. It was just like the Garrison, Lance saying yes sir, no sir, not saying anything more or less. Coran’s eyes flickered towards him, concern wrinkling his brow, but Allura distracted him with what needed repaired on the castle and he turned away.

            The battle was simple enough, it went smoothly, despite Keith’s jumbled and unclear orders. No one got hurt and Pidge got a bit more information. Lance had done as he was told, despite the red lion’s frantic demands clattering in his mind. They at least pushed out the voices, turning them to a whisper. Red still demanded her paladin, half ignoring Lance’s orders. When Keith’s sharp voice cut through the com, she calmed.

            It hurt his mind to hear Red, her voice like fire. She wasn’t like Blue, calming soothing water; Red burned through him. A headache frequently throbbed behind his temple after battles, but Lance pushed it aside.

            That night, Lance snuck out of his quarters-he’d been doing a lot of sneaking lately.  The bridge was quiet, the dark of space surrounding him. He pulled up the star charts, the bright lights flickering around him. Lance lifted his arms, even though they ached from their earlier battle. Moving the holograms around, he began shifting through them, trying to find a pattern, anything to help locate Shiro. He didn’t belong in the red lion, he hated being shuffled away from Blue and he could still hear her mental cries every once in a while. _‘Come back my cub,’_ she’d whisper.

            The hours ticked by, his eyes itched and he yawned, but Lance couldn’t rest until he found something, anything. The Altean words blurred in front of his vision, but he shook his head pinching his arm to stay awake.

            He’d started learning Altean, knowing that if he could read the words, he could help find Shiro. Pidge was trying to learn as well, so Lance had to skirt around them, finding ways to learn in secret. He knew the others would scoff at him, not expecting him to be able to learn the language. Especially since Pidge was having trouble learning it. He could hear the words now-if Pidge couldn’t, what made Lance think he could do better.

            It took time, and while everyone was going to team bonding sessions and meals; Lance focused on learning.  “Hey Lance, meeting,” Pidge called when they spotted Lance coming out of his quarters.

            He jolted, clutching the holobooks to his chest, hoping to secretly put them back in the library before anyone spotted him. “Yeah, I’ll be right there,” he called.

            Pidge gave him a funny look, squinting a little behind their glasses. Opening their mouth, they started to say something, but he was already halfway down the corridor. “Huhn…”

            A small part of Pidge wanted to go after Lance, talk to him. The last time though, Lance had snapped that he was fine, there was nothing wrong. It had hurt to see Lance upset, his blue eyes flashing. Almost like he was becoming the red paladin, fiery and temperamental.  Not wanting to experience that again, Pidge turned on their heel and headed towards the bridge.

            Pidge didn’t go after Lance, he half expected them to call out to him. Hunching his shoulders, the voice in his head grew. _‘You don’t even spark Pidge’s inquisitive mind, they didn’t even ask why you had books. You should give this up, you’re not worth it.’_

            Clutching the metal pieces to his chest, Lance tried to force them out of his head. He’d train harder tonight.

            Hunk was the first to notice Lance skipping team meals. He made Lance a special meal, walking to his quarters and rapping on the door. “Lance? I brought you food, are you ok?”

            The door opened and a worn-out Lance appeared. Purple shadows smudged dark under his blue eyes and it almost looked like his clothes were a little looser than before. “I’m fine,” Lance replied.

            His smile wasn’t bright, it was fake-forced-not meeting his eyes. “Here, your favorite.”

            “Thanks Hunk,” Lance said. “I’m-I’m gonna go eat in here.”

            He took the plate of food and turned around, shutting the door behind him. Hunk swallowed back the tears that threatened to fall. His best friend shut him out, literally.

            Lance stared at the food, it smelled good, but he wasn’t going to eat it. Paladins like him didn’t deserve to eat. He wasn’t good enough, never good enough. _‘You need to work harder, train harder.’_

The thoughts grew louder, crowding his mind. _‘Not good enough, seventh wheel, not a sharpshooter, not anything. You aren’t the red paladin, just masquerading as him. You don’t deserve it.’_

            The only thing that silenced the voices was training until he was exhausted, bones aching, bruises littering his body. It was a good thing his clothing hid them. Lance pulled on his paladin armor, grabbed his bayard and snuck to the training deck.

            “Start level five,” Lance ordered.

            Bots materialized and Lance activated his bayard. The double sword was difficult to master, but Lance refused to give up. He knew Keith was already on level ten, despite only having the black bayard for a short time. The voices begun to crowd him again and he was knocked to the floor.

            His side ached, he clambered to his feet. The bots swung at him again, and he sliced upwards, the bot disappearing in a shower of sparks. Moving onto the next one, he systematically took them out. He kept going, onwards. “Start training level six.”

            He hadn’t tried level six yet, but Lance didn’t care. When he was slammed once again into the wall, he took a deep breath and focused. The voices were lower now, his body aching. He’d had to put his shoulder back into the socket twice already. Lance was lucky the training deck was sound proof, but his screams had echoed across the room.

            Time ticked by and his vision swam. Lance stumbled to his feet, only to see a bot aiming for his chest. It was too much, the panic and fear flooding his chest. “Emergency halt training,” a mechanical voice said.

            Lance didn’t hear it, all he could do was collapse.

            It was late, and Coran yawned. There were a few last minute tasks to look over before he went to bed. One was the training logs. He had to make sure that everyone was getting in the proper amount of training. Some strange data popped up when he opened the holo emitters, there were logs during the night. Who was training?  Curious, Coran opened up the surveillance footage that correlated with the strange data. His eyes widened at what he saw. Lance was in his paladin armor, bayard out, training. No wonder he looked exhausted all the time. That meant he was training during the day with the team and at night.

            A sensor beeped notifying Coran that someone was on the training deck currently. The red paladin armor sensor lit up. It was Lance. Coran twirled his mustache and turned on his heel. He was going to have a talk with that boy, letting him know he didn’t have to train so much. A deep flare of pain filled Coran’s chest. He should’ve noticed sooner the signs that Lance was overdoing it. Now that he thought about it, Lance refusing to come to team meals, how his cheeks had started to hallow, his collarbone becoming more prominent-it should have been obvious. Tears burned in Coran’s eyes. Disappointment and regret weighed heavy on his shoulders. In their desperate need to find Shiro, he’d neglected Lance.

            The distance from the bridge to the training deck didn’t take long, not with Coran’s long legs eating up the distance. He pressed the button to open the doors and his eyes widened in shock.

            Curled up in a ball, Lance lay on the floor of the training deck, his bayard flung out from him. A droid stood mid attack, frozen. “End training sequence,” Coran commanded, the droid dematerializing in a flash of light.

            Walking over to him, Coran reached out a hand, noticing how Lance’s shoulders shook. “Lance?”

            He jolted, a tear stained face swiveling up to face Coran. His eyes wide, he tried to control the sobs that burst out. Clutching his arms to his chest, Lance tried to avoid looking at Coran. “Lance,” he whispered.

            Lance flinched when Coran’s hand touched his shoulder. “It’s ok.”

            Coran slid to his knees, slowly moving towards the boy. The paladin armor was cold and smooth and hard, but Coran didn’t care. He wrapped his arms around Lance, not quite sure how to help him calm down. Crooning in Altean, he whispered soft words, hoping they would help calm him, just like he had done with his little boy back on Altea. “I’m so sorry Lance,” Coran whispered. “You’re like the son I lost and I should have protected you more.”

            Time ticked by and slowly, slowly Lance calmed down, his sobs lessoning. He leaned into Coran’s chest, leaving a wet spot on his shirt. “C’mon lad, let’s get you to bed.”

            Lance was lighter than he remembered when he helped him up. His bayard left on the floor. Coran made sure Lance made it to his quarters and out of his paladin armor. He pulled the covers over Lance’s shoulders, then settled into a chair he’d found. “Close your eyes and sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

            A tiny small smile curled up on Lance’s lips. It was the first Coran had seen in weeks, a tiny light coming back. Settling in his chair, he watched over Lance until he fell asleep. 


End file.
